I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
