Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
