I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
