there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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