I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
