I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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