I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
