just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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