I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
