i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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