Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
