Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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