everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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