i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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