Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
dude. I can hear the air.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
