I will die if light touches me.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
