I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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