I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
