please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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