Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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