the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
