Fuck appropriateness.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
