Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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