chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
