Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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