I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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