Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
