Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
