Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
