Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
