I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
