I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was born a porn star she said
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
