I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
