I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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