Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
