Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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