Life is so much better after having sex.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
