hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
