Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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