So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
