Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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