I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
