I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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