He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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