Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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