Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize