Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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