no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
