she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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