i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
