we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
