Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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