I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
