I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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