ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
