I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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