i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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