Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
