I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
