If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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