i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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