I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
