Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
